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Jul. 23rd, 2008

in an effort to make myself feel better about life and myself, i splurged and got myself a camera :D whooooo!! :D I haven't quite decided what to name it yet... but its a beauty :) In the mail and will hopefully be in my hands by tuesday next week? maybe sooner?! As soon as I get it, I will be SNAPPING away!! :D so if i havent seen u in a long time please call so i can take prettiful pictures of you :D

ignore the sandisk 4GB SDHC card, and the case. I do get them but a different brand. NewEgg had some kickass deal where if I bought the camera they'd throw in a 2 GB SD card and a case for my camera. *swoons* its just lovely.

as superficial as it is, my pain and anger towards myself have subsided. :) i probably would feel a LOT better if i got the Nikon D40 like I was originally going to, but being financially challenged, I decided that it would be smarter if I settled for something just as good and a little bit cheaper. :) No words can describe my satisfaction and happiness.


a literal rollercoaster of emotions atm

I'm going through some awfully weird emotions tonight... =/

1) my pit of doom in my stomach..
2) the anxiety over the pit of doom in my stomach
3) estatic cuz lam, my best friend, FINALLY came back from china
4) missing my family over in the east coast.. especially two little girls <33 and my favorite homecuz, jessie. =(
5) missing a friend, cuz one of her homegirls is still MIA in china. damn china for taking my friends this summer!

with all these emotions bottled up, i'm starting to gag. its a weird reflex of mine that I recently picked about two years ago... maybe three. so i'm having a really difficult time trying to sleep with this new reflex of mine going off every other minute or so. bah. i really want to goto sleep too. :(

Jul. 15th, 2008

going through some weird.. internal pain. unsettling pit of doom in my stomach... and it aint hunger or my need to visit the restroom. i had this pain before, and let's just say i went through a rough couple of months trying to recover from it. i hope im not falling into some kind of psychological subconscious trap.. eh..

been watching chinese dramas: Legend of the Condor Heroes... not the one with Andy Lau, the mainland china one. and The Handsome Siblings. Legend of the Condor Heroes was so so.. i was irritated with the cantonese voice dubs and i'm not as comfortable when i listen to movies in mandarin. weird i know. my dad has been rewatching the show since i got it two weeks ago.. he's like in love with it. I heard the andy lau version was better and I did try to order Legend of the Condor Heroes on yesasia.com. I managed to get an order in when it was like 50% off. UNFORTUNATELY, there was some kind of delay with my payment through paypal, and by the time the payment was received they ran out of the Andy Lau version which upset me because I was looking forward to watching the goshdarn show. handsome sibling has brought me a new love, Nicholas Tse. Dicky Cheung is really funny too.. did not know that he was the monkey king in journey to the west. **which i was also unable to find online.. which is stupid because thats one of the best shows ever** i really liked handsome sibling.. it was depressing because i hated that everyone died in the end.. especially dicky cheung's love interests. i mean seriously.. ALL of them had to die? wth.. but i also felt extremely cheated with the ending. when the credits rolled, i was like.. no fucking way. thats it? -_-' but whatever, it entertained me all 30 hours.

work has been so-so. im more irritated with my students this year, and im trying to get rid of my job at the restaurant. i currently have one saturday opening shift which I am completely satsified with. but once school starts, i'm going to need to get more shifts cuz no more summer job that will give me a nice paycheck every two weeks :(.. ive been applying to jobs but havent gotten any responses.. which does not help my self esteem or self worth.

my sense and need to escape has been... growing.. i feel anxious and .. unsettled at least once a day now. i keep thinking i should goto philly... or d.c. i have family there and i can just goto school there, but i dont want to cuz i dont want to leave my dad. ugh. i hope this feeling goes away soon. half of me just wants to pack up my clothes and head over to europe. just fuck it all. but im too chicken shit to do that. bwah!

Ladybug Cupcakes :D

I think a couple of entries ago I saw someone in the picturing_foods make some ladybug cupcakes and it inspired me to try it! :)More pics :)Collapse )


Loving the country, hating the leader

So for the past few years, my anger towards the leader of our great nation, has made me feel a little guilty, because in some way it makes me feel like I hate my country sometimes. Now I'm definitely no expert at how the government works and I can't analyze the national budget or come up with some two hundred point plan to help the U.S. economy. All I know is that there have been way too many mistakes and deaths with our administration. Personally, I tend to swing over to the liberal side, but there are issues where I will swing to my right. However, if another Republican does become President of the U.S. I 100% feel like moving to another country. Canada perhaps? The idea that McCain can possibly be the president truly frightens me. Had I been old enough and smart enough to understand this whole process eight years ago, I would've pulled a Johnny Depp and leave the friggin U.S. when Bush got elected and go live in Europe. At least 8 years ago, the euro was worth a lot less... I think the dollar was worth more than the euro then. -_-' Ugh. *spit* disgusted.

What led this... pointless rant? lol, um.. lack of sleep... and boredom.


Phan Family Love

Within the time span of one month, the Phan family have gone through a terminal sickness being diagnosed, a wedding, and a funeral. In that order. It's alright though, because I did get to spend time with my nieces and nephews. Bella and Sophia <33. Jessie, Lizzie, Peter, and Stephen. I also got to spend time with Michelle here in the west coast when I came back. I got a chance to catch up and gossip with my cousins over in the east coast and the west coast. This is probably the most contact with the Phan family.. or family in general I've ever had. A mixture of bittersweetness and happiness for me. I just wish it was under better circumstances. At least at the wedding people got to fly over and I got take pictures with relatives, including my uncles and my cousins. At the wedding I also got to get my first picture EVER with my father. :) My love to my family and to my uncle. I hope that I was able to be of some kind of help while I was over there. I hope you're in a better place Bac Hai and know that everyone loved you and missed you.

Despite all of that , I still have both my jobs and my volunteer position at the aquarium of the pacific. I am slowly chipping away from my debt. I have regained a bank account since I've been back. Slowly putting together a birthday celebration for my friends. Been pretty fucking busy every fucking minute since I've been back in California two weeks ago. First week was busy with the wedding, running errands, picking/dropping off people, and trying to see whoever I could see. Second week was the beginning of work, school, and volunteer. Six and a half Days a week I am busy. My usual 3-4 hours of watching t.v. A DAY has been reduced to two-three hours a week. Reserved for America's Best Dance Crew and The Mole. During the weekend I'm still working at Wild Thyme on Saturdays, cause since I left very suddenly, my bank account is ... well nonexistent. and I'm still trying to meet up with people I havent seen in forever because of my abscence here in California. I'm in need of a visit to the beach. I'll try to get that done within the next two weeks. 

Also.. a bit of sad news, george carlin passed. :( He's one of my fav. comedians, absolutely brilliant. IF you ever have a chance listen to his rant about abortions.. or autoerotica asphyxia.. or sanctity of life.. or whatever u can listen to. hilarious.

Phan Family Love<3

5 shifts ..

To repair my financial problems, I picked up a couple of extra shifts at the restaurant. I'm already dreading this decision. I'm glad that I'll be leaving in a couple of weeks (not permanently, but since I have a summer job I'm leaving the restaurant temporarily). I'm just a little reluctant because I really don't want this job forever. Right now, I think that's my main motivation for school, to not be a waitress for the rest of my life. I do think that it's easy money, but it gets extremely stressful, and the fact that the restaurant lacks organization and teamwork, does not make the job easier. Ugh.. I'm wondering if I should look for a waitress position at some other restaurant.. maybe some corporate one. We'll see. =/ I'm a little reluctant but ugh.

:( Due to my financial problems, I can't use any of the money I'm saving up. :( Boo. I really want to go shopping too... I'm tempted to just use my money, but apparently my sense of responsibility somehow found me recently. Well.. we'll see how long that lasts..

Btw. I need a book to read. Suggestions anyone? Preferrably fiction. I'm probably going to finish Chronicles of Narnia by the end of the week. (Yes, I know, I'm 19 years old and reading Chronicles of Narnia, but seeing that it never sparked my interest as a child, I figure I'd give it another try, and so far I'm liking it.) I was thinking of finishing Dracula.. which I started junior year and liked a lot, but got distracted and never got around to finishing it, but I can finish that in one sitting. But yea... I'll probably hit borders again on tuesday.. before work.


Frin-dicking-tastic Friday!

Very rarely do I have an "Awesome Friday", mainly because I'm always sleep deprived and I remain so for the rest of the weekend. On Fridays, I volunteer at the Aquarium of the Pacific (which is pretty kick@ss) from 9 a.m. - 2 p.m. The hours really aren't that bad, but for fear of being stuck in traffic, I try to leave the house by 7:30 or before. Meaning.. I have to wake up early. Waking up early is... as of today, my worst enemy. Something I have never been able to conquer. I am a night person. I enjoy the day, I do, I love the whole first dew on grass in the morning, and how the cold wind hits ur face and freshens you up. Whoop-ee. I just don't like to do it on a daily basis. No, no, no. But seeing that I love my volunteering position at the aquarium, and fear of not making a good impression, I, on all the times I've volunteered there so far, have been pulling all-nighters to make it on time. Yes, I am very aware of how dangerous this is trust me, the second time I pulled this little plan, I fell asleep at the wheel... three times... LUCKILY it was locally.. but still, dangerous nonetheless. I should've pulled over, but I was so close to home, literally so close, I made it through the whole freeway without falling asleep, i figure, might as well make it all the way home. But, yea.. three times. Fell asleep at the wheel. Hella dangerous. Unfortnuately, due to my financial funds, or moreso, lack of, I have also picked up a Friday shift at my workplace. =/ It's a 6-CL shift... and I stay till around 11:30 maybe midnight. THEN the next morning, I have work at 7:30 a.m. Do u see my predicament? Anxious that I won't make my 7:30 a.m. shift on time, I get restless and have a lot of trouble sleeping the night before. And normally on saturdays, it's girls' night out. We try to do something, go to each other's houses, etc., and I havent seen my girls so I suck it up and go. But I get tired... because the next morning I also have work at 7:30 a.m. WHY, WHY OH WHY u ask do I take such early shifts if I absolutely despise waking up early? Money. That's all. I'm willing to put my health, my mental stability, on the line for MONEY. -_-' BUt no worries, those days will be gone soon =), days where I finally have my weekend free!! x) how excited am i.

But, back to the main point. VERY RARELY do I have an Awesome Friday and man.. was it fr-indicking-tastic! Now a couple of months ago, I was wavering between whether I wanted to be an Oceanographer or a Communications major. The easy way, or the significant way where I felt useful? I decided to stick to Oceanography, btu the only problem for me was that I had very little experience in teh field, and small as it is, I had to crawl my way into it. Hence, my volunteer position at the AoP. But man, did I come at the right time. This week happens to be Volunteer Appreciation Week x), although I missed the festival last sunday (due to work urgh), I was.. appreciated =). The Aquarium offered us volunteers Free 15 minute massages, which completey made me feel great. I have been tense my entire life lol. I love massages and man did that one feel great x). After volunteer shift, we were able to go feed some of the animals behind the scene. Lucky for me, I got the last Sea Otter feeding spot! :D WhoOo! So on my cell phone is the feeding of Summer, one of our female otters, and man she was awesome x). I mean, it was no biggie u know, feeding it, but damn it felt AWESOME to finally like.. do something with the animals. x) It validated my choice of wanting to go into this field and just made me feel just a little bit closer to going in the right direction with my choice as a volunteer there. x) Thenn.. on my way home, I see this AWESOME Yellow LAKERS sports car. I mean awesome, I was so tempted to honk at them and whoop, but I was unable to drive up to them and do it cuz of a stupid truck but whatever. Seeing that car made my day xD. So far I've had a pretty good day... and right now I"m just trying to resist the very luring lull of sleep because I have work in 2 hours =x. I'm hoping what little is left of it will not ruin my oh so happy morning/afternoon. :) *knock on wood* x)
Not to toot my own horn, but I think my strongest asset.. and my weakest is my ability to empathize... Albeit, I may not do it all the time, but when I do, I can get extremely emotional. I mean extremely, friends who have seen me cry in a movie will verify that I definitely get way too emotional during a mushy scene (i.e. the ending of The Notebook, Titanic, Moulin Rouge). For me, that's when I know an actor/actress/movie (mostly its 1/3, sometimes 2/3, rarely 3/3) is exceptional, when I can feel what they're feeling. The joy, the anger, the sad, you name it, I will feel it with them. I get a very odd attachment to the characters that I see in the screen or pages, and I can... experience almost everything that they're experiencing. One of the many reasons why I love watching movies and reading books. I expect that's the reason why many people enjoy reading and watching movies. So when I come to an end of something, I get really disappointed and sad because my connection with these characters are gone. Very few instances do I feel satisfied with the end of a movie or book. As I'm typing this, I'm thinking I should probably get committed because of my strange attachment to somethign that doesn't exist. But when I get to an end of a book/movie, I feel abandoned. I went through the whole journey with my characters, aware of every minor detail that goes on, and when they leave me hanging, I feel cheated and no longer clued in on their world. When I read a book or watch a movie, I get completely immersed in it.. it's my escape from my universe. My oh-so-very dull and disappointing existence. To enter a place where I forget about everything that's currently going on with my own, makes me estatic to join in an adventure of someone else's. But in the end, the hero/heroine's story ends, and I'm stuck with having to find another story/movie to be entertained with.

I worry about my mental state sometimes, because I'm pretty aware of how unhealthy I am in the sense that my pessimism is extremely depressing sometimes, and my very odd attachments to things that should be of little importance. *Panda Bear, characters in a book, I mean seriously? even i know it's not healthy* So I mean... at least it's good that I acknowledge it, but like the many things that I acknowledge is wrong with my life, I have no idea how to change it.. or .. maybe i'm unwilling to change it. I dunno.

What caused me to write this entry? The past two days, I've been driving to Borders and indulging myself in the Twilight Series Saga. A pretty dumb indulgence of mine, that I haven't shaken off since I bought the first book three days ago. lol. So I've been going to borders to read Book 2 and Book 3 (I feel kinda bad, but I've been financially broke, but as soon as I recover, I definitely plan on getting the books) but I've grown attached to the characters in the book. It's an easy read, and I really shouldn't be reading it, since it's not very mentally stimulating, but I got hooked. So now I'm just waiting for Book 4.. which is the LAST book coming out on August 2, 2008. This reminds me of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I was so desperate for that book to come out so I can finally finish what happened. I practically inhaled the book when I got it, that I never really got to savior it. Anywho, this year I think... I made the resolution of reading a book a month.. and seeing that I haven't really kept up with it the past ... 4 months, I almost caught up with my quota in the past three days. -_-' Again, when I got Book 7 of Harry Potter last year, I inhaled it. Right now, I'm tackling Chronicles of Narnia. I adored the movie, so I'm pretty sure I'll love the book twice as much. But yea... just another notch in the bedpost of how stupid and dumb I can get. =/ Oh wells... maybe one day some person will find these insane qualities of mine a little endearing?

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